ART OF BEING A MESS

 "There is lot more in my head than i know and lot more to think than i think"

There are moments when I don't know how to feel. I just sit with myself and feel this concoction of emotions brewing inside me. I don't know how to handle such complex emotions; I've never been taught to manage them.

I remember the explanation I used to give for my tears: "Tears are my way to laugh at your bullshit" But is that really true? Maybe I still cry like a little kid over seemingly stupid things because I'm still learning to navigate my emotions.

Crying like a little kid is a sign of sensitivity, and it's not a flaw. However, it also means I'm still allowing myself to feel deeply, like a child who doesn't know that a particular topic doesn't deserve this much energy. Even knowing this, I'm often driven by my emotions.

I feel a little ache, a sense of suffocation, and sadness. Maybe I only notice these emotions when they overwhelm me and start to show symptoms. There are a thousand thoughts wrapped in feelings that I suppress. I find myself shaking my leg, shivering, and attributing it to anxiety. But the truth is, it's more deeper than anxiety – it's the fear of not having the courage to face my emotions, to accept things, and to heal.

I realize that when I'm frustrated, I shout, fight, and hurt others with my words – that rage is often a reflection of my own emotions. In those moments, I'm fighting harder with myself than with them.

I fear the pain I'll go through to heal myself. This fear is toxic, and it's holding me back. 

I'm not sure about the conclusion, and I'm lost in the mess of my own emotions. And maybe, because I'm just 18, life feels like a mess – I guess being 18 is about being a mess.